Humor Quotes

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

The pathway to enlightenment leads to states of ecstasy, knowledge, and a pretty ironic sense of humor.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

Humor makes our heavy burdens light and smoothes the rough spots in our pathways.

If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking.

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

I think we agree, THE PAST IS OVER.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.

Nature never said to me: Do not be poor; still less did she say: Be rich; her cry to me was always: Be independent.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A sense of humor is the main measure of sanity.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

At the top of the list of what makes a successful marriage, is a sense of humor.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.