What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

In the United States, where we have more land than people, it is not at all difficult for persons in good health to make money.

The gospel of Jesus Christ prescribes the wisest rules for just conduct in every situation in life. Happy they who are enabled to obey them in all situations!

I feel a sense of obligation to our troops and their families because of the decisions that I made. So I'm involved with veterans.

[P]salms are basically prayers and hymns, by their very nature they are addressed to God or express truth about God in song.

The two hardest things to contemplate in life ... are failure and age; those are one and the same.

Every time we speak, we choose and use one of four basic communication styles: assertive, aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive.

If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough to be homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts.

If I have any appeal at all, it's to the fellow who takes out the garbage.

As long as a man lives he should study. Death alone has the right to dismiss the school.