Humor Quotes
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.
You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.
The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.
Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
There's a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.
You know, most men would get discouraged by now. Fortunately for you, I am not most men!
The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".
Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!” said Piglet, feeling him. Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
I'm an elephant today. I will need to have lots of room and also a bowl of water on the floor.
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.
In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child's parent or grandparent.
Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
When an American family becomes separated from its toothbrushes and combs and pajamas for a few hours it considers that it has had quite an adventure.
A person obsessed with ultimate truth is a person asking to be relieved of money.
I get glimpses of the horror of normalcy. Each of these innocents on the street is engulfed by a terror of their own ordinariness. They would do anything to be unique.
I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.
I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.
I don't know whether to toss you through that window or shake your hand and say 'Well done'" Henry said in a tired voice.
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
