Humor Quotes
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.
Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.
If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.
It's just another of Robin's sayings. Like, 'Holy strawberries, Batman, we're in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
The world is drowning in weirdness and lies......and here we are, so used to it that we're actually bored!
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
I have discovered that the world over, unusual weather prevails at all times of the year.
No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night.
Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.
Do you see that out there? The strange, unfamiliar light? It's called the sun. Let's go get us a little.
If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.
Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.
I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.
Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren't enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.
I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War.
I need a woman to have a quirky sense of humor. There's a bunch of jokes I use, and if she doesn't get them, she's probably not for me.