Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Sometimes we need to just brush away our pride, break down the walls around our hearts, and open up to those we truly care for.

Wherever you travel to, appreciate the culture and beauty of the place.

He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob.

The true opponent in a debate on emptiness is your own ego.

[Written in 1901:] Nothing has been so deplorable for countries as centralization. I am afraid when I see Germany grow so powerful, and centralizing in Berlin; it is the beginning of the end!

The men who have furnished me with my greatest inspiration have not been men of wealth, but men of deeds.

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

I'm not one to go on blogs and things like that, but we do have our own personal Twitter profiles, so we get a lot of tweets, and they are pretty passionate. It's fun. I like it.

Positively, the effect of speeding up temporal sequence is to abolish time, much as the telegraph and cable abolished space. Of course, the photograph does both.

God has presented this opportunity for us and we are stepping up to the plate. The pastor knows the area we work in and makes it much easier.