David Letterman Quotes

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.

Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.

He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around.

Them bats is smart. They use radar!

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.