You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Each morning sees some task begun Each evening sees it close. Something attempted something done Has earned a night's repose.

I've always loved animals and I always thought that they were, if not better, then the absolute equal of any two legged creature that God ever created.

magic persists without us no matter what we may do to try to spoil it

Vegetarianism is a healthier diet.

I have been able to play a lot of guys and they have kept me working.

Wisdom too often never comes, and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late.

I wasn't necessarily looking to do comedy on TV, but I don't think it's an accident that I ended up on 'Community.'

All humans are frightened of their own solitude. But only in solitude can we learn to know ourselves, learn to handle our own eternal aloneness.

The method of production of the material things of life generally determines the social, political and spiritual currents of life.

Only a very small percentage can regard conditions from any but a selfish point of view or conceive of any but their own shoe-pinch.