Humor Quotes

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

I think pimp, therefore i am.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

All humor is rooted in pain.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Grace creates liberated laughter. The grace of God...is beautiful, and it radiates joy and awakens humor.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.