I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

And of course I didn't know who would marry me now that I'd been where I had been. I didn't know at all.

If the man who turnips cries Cry not when his father dies 'Tis proof that he had rather Have a turnip than his father.

The papers are portraying Rafa as a parrot, just like they did when they showed Graham Taylor as an onion

An honest man is in Hell when he is in debt.

I view cats as more like wild animals. We feed it, but a lot of times it's not eating the food because it's murdering other animals outside and eating their meat.

Moving forward is not based upon your past; your future is exclusively determined by the decisions you make now, in this moment.

I recognize no empire of this present age.

Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper. "Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole." "What?" Piper asked. "Nothing," he said. "Inside joke.

If there is such a person on the planet, then he or she-this self-appointed arbiter of “appropriateness”-deserves to be confronted with as many “inappropriate” transgressions as possible.

A man is more than the sum of all the things he can do.