Humor Quotes

...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

We think a wise person is someone who solves problems. Truth is, a wise person is someone who avoids problems.

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

Someday is not a day of the week.

I have a crazy sense of humor so if someone is just trying to be rude to me, or if you can tell that someone is angry for no reason, I like to entertain them.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

Whatever you see you gotta keep a sense of humor; you gotta be able to smile through all the bullshit.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

Lord, give me a sense of humor so that I may take some happiness from this life and share it with others.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Wit is educated insolence.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Talk is cheap. Show me the code.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.