Humor Quotes

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

Film lovers are sick people.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.

The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I think one of the dangers of humor is becoming seduced by it and sacrificing the story for a few laughs.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the savior, it changes your heart.

Women were afraid of me, they were scared to death. But I always say be yourself, if you're funny then let your sense of humor go there. I mean there's no sense hiding what you feel.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Never trust a theologian who doesn't have a sense of humor.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Humor is the only reason to live.

What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.