Humor Quotes

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

There's a hysterical, tired sense of humor that comes after working 14 hours a day, six days a week. I like those things because they take the pressure off the constant stress

An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.

Don't run I never liked fast food

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes.

I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.

I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.

I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

All good activities which encourage people to learn how to live with one another pleasantly and to develop a sense of humor improve living.

The person who has a sense of humor is not just more relaxed in the face of a potentially stressful situation, but is more flexible in his approach.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

God likes a little humor, as is evidence by the fact that he made the monkeys, the parrot -- and some of you people.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

Reality is shaped by the forces that destroy it.

Humor is a universal language.

Don't forget to bring your sense of humor to your labor.

Caffeine. The gateway drug.

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

The worst drug of all is seriousness versus humor and pleasure!

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?