Funny People Quotes

Funny People Quote of the day

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

If dogs could talk, perhaps we would find it as hard to get along with them as we do with people.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don't. I don't need the competition.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Most of the people I admire, they usually smell funny and don't get out much. It's true. Most of them are either dead or not feeling well.

"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

The grinding of the intellect is for most people as painful as a dentists drill.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

I don't think about what other people expect or anything. I mean, I sit and worrying so much about what I'M thinking, I'd go NUTS if I sat around worrying about other people.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I’m the youngest in my family and everyone is very funny, and I was always trying to keep up with them. I just loved making people laugh.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.

Seeing people get messed up never gets un-funny! And there's plenty of ways to do that.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?