Humor Quotes

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Confidence is at the root of so many attractive qualities - a sense of humor, a sense of style, a willingness to be who you are no matter what anyone else might think or say.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I am content in my later years. I have kept my good humor and take neither myself nor the next person seriously.

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

It is just as foolish to complain that people are selfish and treacherous as it is to complain that the magnetic field does not increase unless the electric field has a curl. Both are laws of nature.

Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds.

I have to return some videotapes

I remain just one thing, and one thing only - and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

Comedy is a great tool. We [comics] are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Pakistan not only means freedom and independence but the Muslim Ideology which has to be preserved, which has come to us as a precious gift and treasure and which, we hope other will share with us.

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities...like the ability to behave myself.

A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

I should like to be a horse.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.

If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

No matter where life takes me, you'll find me with a smile. Presumed to be happy, always laughing like a child. I never thought life could be this sweet! It's got me cheesing from cheek to cheek!

I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.