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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes: "My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.



Humor Quotes: "A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!""

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"




Humor Quotes: "For others, in spite of myself, from myself."

For others, in spite of myself, from myself.



Humor Quotes: "Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner."

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.




Humor Quotes: "Humor is a prelude to faith and laughter is the beginning of prayer."

Humor is a prelude to faith and laughter is the beginning of prayer.



Humor Quotes: "When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist."

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.



Humor Quotes: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.




Humor Quotes: "April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.



Humor Quotes: "If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave."

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.



Humor Quotes: "Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair."

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.



Humor Quotes: "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.



Humor Quotes: "All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."

All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.




Humor Quotes: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce."

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.



Humor Quotes: "I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying."

I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying.



Humor Quotes: "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.



Humor Quotes: "Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.



Humor Quotes: "Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent."

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.



Humor Quotes: "To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States."

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.



Humor Quotes: "Zen... does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes."

Zen... does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.



Humor Quotes: "Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"

Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!



Humor Quotes: "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.



Humor Quotes: "If you can't enjoy what you have, you can't enjoy more of it."

If you can't enjoy what you have, you can't enjoy more of it.



Humor Quotes: "Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America — that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved."

Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America — that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.



Humor Quotes: "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.



Humor Quotes: "When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.



Humor Quotes: "All work and no play doesn't just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention."

All work and no play doesn't just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention.



Humor Quotes: "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.



Humor Quotes: "I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.



Humor Quotes: "Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't."

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.



Humor Quotes: "This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live."

This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.



Humor Quotes: "'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh."

'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh.



Humor Quotes: "Once we got over the origin story, we could really delve deeper into their lives and characters and angst. So this movie actually has more heart, more humor."

Once we got over the origin story, we could really delve deeper into their lives and characters and angst. So this movie actually has more heart, more humor.



Humor Quotes: "Humor is consistent with pathos, whilst wit is not."

Humor is consistent with pathos, whilst wit is not.



Humor Quotes: "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.



Humor Quotes: "I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots."

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.



Humor Quotes: "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.



Humor Quotes: "We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant"

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant



Humor Quotes: "Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit either."

Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit either.



Humor Quotes: "Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.



Humor Quotes: "I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil."

I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil.



Humor Quotes: "I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure"

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure



Humor Quotes: "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.



Humor Quotes: "I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!



Humor Quotes: "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.



Humor Quotes: "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



Humor Quotes: "Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!



Humor Quotes: "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.



Humor Quotes: "A joke is a very serious thing."

A joke is a very serious thing.



Humor Quotes: "I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."

I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.