Humor Quotes
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.
When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.
Zen... does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.
Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America — that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
All work and no play doesn't just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention.
Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.
'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh.
Once we got over the origin story, we could really delve deeper into their lives and characters and angst. So this movie actually has more heart, more humor.
The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.
I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.
We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant
Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit either.
Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.