Fran Lebowitz Quotes
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Think before you speak. Read before you think.
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
My favorite animal is steak.
The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.
A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.
As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
London: A place you go to get bronchitis.
A salad is not a meal, it is a style.
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.
You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.
You sit or stand in the subway, and you look around - I do, because I don't have a phone so I'm not playing a game - and you see people.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
I wouldn't say that I dislike the young. I'm simply not a fan of naïveté.
The downfall of most diets is that they restrict your intake of food.
In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house.
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
You're only as good as your last haircut.
Tolerance is really a better thing than understanding. Because it doesn't agitate against human nature.
I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
Polite conversation is rarely either.
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.
If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?
I'm not interested in being a wife. I'm interested in being an empress.
Donald Trump is not my fault. You can blame certain things on me, but not Donald Trump.
I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy
My dream writing room would be the Imperial Library in Vienna.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.