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Mitch Hedberg Quotes: I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
         

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


Mitch Hedberg
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Other quotes of Mitch Hedberg


I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."



A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.



I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.



I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.



My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.



My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.



Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.



Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.



Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.



I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.





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Seriousness is the very thing wherein consisteth our sincerity. If thou art not serious, thou art not a Christian (279).

Seriousness is the very thing wherein consisteth our sincerity. If thou art not serious, thou art not a Christian (279).




I thought, if I write a book that is not a retelling of Pride and Prejudice, it's not going to mean that I will not get any criticism. I might as well write the book that I want to write.

I thought, if I write a book that is not a retelling of Pride and Prejudice, it's not going to mean that I will not get any criticism. I might as well write the book that I want to write.



I have discovered that there are two types of command interfaces in the world of computing: good interfaces and user interfaces.

I have discovered that there are two types of command interfaces in the world of computing: good interfaces and user interfaces.



We can, if we so choose, wander aimlessly over the continent of the arbitrary. Rootless as some winged seed blown about on a serendipitous spring breeze.

We can, if we so choose, wander aimlessly over the continent of the arbitrary. Rootless as some winged seed blown about on a serendipitous spring breeze.



The worst thoughts usually strike in the dead of the night.

The worst thoughts usually strike in the dead of the night.



You go through your 20s sort of like a chrysalis in many ways, stretching into your own skin and trying to bust out of a cocoon.

You go through your 20s sort of like a chrysalis in many ways, stretching into your own skin and trying to bust out of a cocoon.



In the beginning, the head of the Gods called a council of the Gods; and they came together and concocted a plan to create the world and people it.

In the beginning, the head of the Gods called a council of the Gods; and they came together and concocted a plan to create the world and people it.



The fundamental landscape of biology is undergoing a major upheaval, much as it did in the first decades of the 20th Century. This upheaval will take time to fully reveal its implications.

The fundamental landscape of biology is undergoing a major upheaval, much as it did in the first decades of the 20th Century. This upheaval will take time to fully reveal its implications.



Basically, I love films where everything is great and life is good.

Basically, I love films where everything is great and life is good.




Quote Description


This page presents the quote "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.". Author of this quote is Mitch Hedberg. This quote is about glasses, too late, funny, mad, fun, candy, humor, magnifying glass, bars,.