I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

That was the problem with the outside world, the human world. The whole thing was made up puzzles, of a language she didn't quite speak.

You do not own me. I do not own you.

Fear is the dark room in which negatives are developed.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

I never divide photographers into creative and uncreative, I just call them photographers. Who is creative? How do you know who is creative or not?

Women do a lot of uncomfortable things for men - and I appreciate it all. I appreciate high heels. I appreciate thongs.

Well, when you have an opportunity to build a show around one of the greatest detectives in all of literature, you're going to jump at that opportunity.

You can't get something for nothing. Everybody remembers this except politicians.

Your ecstasy is a movement towards the height and your meditation is a movement towards the depth. And once you have both, your life becomes a celebration.