Jon Stewart Quotes

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive.Those fighting to keep those people out - are.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.