Jon Stewart Quotes

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.

Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work.

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.

Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.