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Jon Stewart Quotes

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Jon Stewart Quotes: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.




Jon Stewart Quotes: "There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!"

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!




Jon Stewart Quotes: "We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion."

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.




Jon Stewart Quotes: "I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food."

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that."

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.




Jon Stewart Quotes: "I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over."

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime."

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic."

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame."

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious."

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.




Jon Stewart Quotes: "In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?"

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?



Jon Stewart Quotes: "If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies."

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!"

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist."

I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege."

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed."

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance"

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance



Jon Stewart Quotes: "There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship."

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work."

Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found."

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you."

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people."

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom."

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?"

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?



Jon Stewart Quotes: "When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty."

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance."

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something."

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want."

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch."

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973."

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff."

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation."

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on."

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1."

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything."

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B."

The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?"

Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?



Jon Stewart Quotes: "Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain."

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too."

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success"."

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around."

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you."

You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud."

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?"

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?



Jon Stewart Quotes: "People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have."

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything."

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.



Jon Stewart Quotes: "I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.