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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes: "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

Humor Quote of the day

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.



Humor Quotes: "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.



Humor Quotes: "Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage."

Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage.



Humor Quotes: "I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.



Humor Quotes: "When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth."

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.




Humor Quotes: "Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick."

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.



Humor Quotes: "As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up."

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.



Humor Quotes: "Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature."

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.



Humor Quotes: "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!



Humor Quotes: "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.



Humor Quotes: "Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.



Humor Quotes: "I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.



Humor Quotes: "He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe."

He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe.



Humor Quotes: "I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter."

I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.



Humor Quotes: "When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?"

When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?



Humor Quotes: "I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders."

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.



Humor Quotes: "I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima"

I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima



Humor Quotes: "I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.



Humor Quotes: "The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living."

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.



Humor Quotes: "Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight."

Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.



Humor Quotes: "After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him."

After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him.



Humor Quotes: "If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat."

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.



Humor Quotes: "The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure."

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.



Humor Quotes: "If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?



Humor Quotes: "There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity."

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.



Humor Quotes: "I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante"

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante



Humor Quotes: "People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble."

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.



Humor Quotes: "No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.



Humor Quotes: "I can last two months on a good compliment."

I can last two months on a good compliment.



Humor Quotes: "A word to the wise is infuriating."

A word to the wise is infuriating.



Humor Quotes: "The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study."

The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study.



Humor Quotes: "Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean."

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.



Humor Quotes: "I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.



Humor Quotes: "In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing."

In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.



Humor Quotes: "And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked."

And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.



Humor Quotes: "And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren't brains, you know."

And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren't brains, you know.



Humor Quotes: "And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope."

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.



Humor Quotes: "Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was."Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked."

Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was."Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.



Humor Quotes: "Begin at the beginning, " the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

Begin at the beginning, " the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.



Humor Quotes: "I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself."

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.



Humor Quotes: "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.



Humor Quotes: "All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.



Humor Quotes: "Everything stinks till it’s finished."

Everything stinks till it’s finished.



Humor Quotes: "I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.



Humor Quotes: "Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation."

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.



Humor Quotes: "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself."

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.



Humor Quotes: "There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor."

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.



Humor Quotes: "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.



Humor Quotes: "[I]t is well to have as many holds upon happiness as possible."

[I]t is well to have as many holds upon happiness as possible.



Humor Quotes: "If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later."

If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.