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Humor Quote of the day
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.
You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
We love ourselves notwithstanding our faults, and we ought to love our friends in like manner.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
There's something whimsical, satirical, and silly about British humor, which Americans have always enjoyed, and lots of us come over here because we have an audience of people who enjoy it.
There are men running governments who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.