Humor Quotes

Humor Quote of the day

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

They tugged plans and ambitions out their as*es and held tight to the first that didn't smell so strongly of shit.

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.

To insult someone we call him 'besti*l'. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult.

Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe.

I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.

After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

I can last two months on a good compliment.

A word to the wise is infuriating.

The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.

And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren't brains, you know.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was."Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.

Begin at the beginning, " the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.