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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes: "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.




Humor Quotes: "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?




Humor Quotes: "My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style"

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style



Humor Quotes: "If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed."

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.




Humor Quotes: "Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it."

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.



Humor Quotes: "I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?



Humor Quotes: "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.




Humor Quotes: "It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple."

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.



Humor Quotes: "A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other."

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.



Humor Quotes: "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.



Humor Quotes: "If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times."

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.



Humor Quotes: "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?




Humor Quotes: "I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.



Humor Quotes: "It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about."

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.



Humor Quotes: "I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there."

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.



Humor Quotes: "When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber."

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.



Humor Quotes: "Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine."

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.



Humor Quotes: "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.



Humor Quotes: "Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.



Humor Quotes: "Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me."

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.



Humor Quotes: "The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people."

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.



Humor Quotes: "You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness."

You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness.



Humor Quotes: "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.



Humor Quotes: "We love ourselves notwithstanding our faults, and we ought to love our friends in like manner."

We love ourselves notwithstanding our faults, and we ought to love our friends in like manner.



Humor Quotes: "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.



Humor Quotes: "If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?



Humor Quotes: "Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book."

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.



Humor Quotes: "The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?



Humor Quotes: "If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?



Humor Quotes: "Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.



Humor Quotes: "In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.



Humor Quotes: "Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.



Humor Quotes: "Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own."

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.



Humor Quotes: "A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody."

A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.



Humor Quotes: "Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies."

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.



Humor Quotes: "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.



Humor Quotes: "There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies."

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.



Humor Quotes: "Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight."

Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.



Humor Quotes: "That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.



Humor Quotes: "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.



Humor Quotes: "Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.



Humor Quotes: "There's something whimsical, satirical, and silly about British humor, which Americans have always enjoyed, and lots of us come over here because we have an audience of people who enjoy it."

There's something whimsical, satirical, and silly about British humor, which Americans have always enjoyed, and lots of us come over here because we have an audience of people who enjoy it.



Humor Quotes: "There are men running governments who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches."

There are men running governments who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches.



Humor Quotes: "Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.



Humor Quotes: "It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.



Humor Quotes: "We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.



Humor Quotes: "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.



Humor Quotes: "The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit."

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.



Humor Quotes: "Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss."

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.