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Humor Quotes

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You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Humor Quote of the day

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.


         
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.


         
Good-humor makes all things tolerable.

Good-humor makes all things tolerable.


         
he was one of those diplomats who like and know how to work, and, despite his laziness, he occasionally spent nights at his desk.

he was one of those diplomats who like and know how to work, and, despite his laziness, he occasionally spent nights at his desk.


         
Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!" Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer

Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!" Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer


         
I like your opera - I think I will set it to music

I like your opera - I think I will set it to music


         
Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.


         
I'm very fond of experimental housekeeping.

I'm very fond of experimental housekeeping.


         
Good madonna, give me leave toprove you a fool.

Good madonna, give me leave toprove you a fool.


         
The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.


         
It was rather too late in the day to set about being simple-minded and ignorant.

It was rather too late in the day to set about being simple-minded and ignorant.


         
This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.

This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.


         
There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.

There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.


         
I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it sho

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it sho


         
Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are!

Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are!


         
But now he felt as if the whole world were tipping backwards over his head, and this, he couldn’t help feeling, was a very worrying thing for the world to do.

But now he felt as if the whole world were tipping backwards over his head, and this, he couldn’t help feeling, was a very worrying thing for the world to do.


         
Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.


         
The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.


         
I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.