Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

A book, a true book, is the writer's confessional. For, whether he would have it so or not, he is betrayed, directly or indirectly, by his characters, into presenting publicly his innermost feelings.

Even if there were only two men left in the world and both of them saints they wouldn't be happy. One them would be bound to try and improve the other. That is the nature of things.

Increasingly, staying in the middle class - let alone aspiring to become middle class - is becoming a game of chance.

This whole huddle thing really pisses me off.

The early American arrived at a land of which he knew nothing

The public easily confuses him who fishes in troubled waters with him who draws up water from the depths.

Goals. There's no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There's no telling what you can do when you believe in them. There's no telling what will happen when you act upon them.

Be happy with who you are, where you are, for this is the way.

Young players calculate everything, a requirement of their relative inexperience.

I'm very inspired by him-it was my father who taught us that an immigrant must work twice as hard as anybody else, that he must never give up.