Funny Quotes
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.
Most of the people I admire, they usually smell funny and don't get out much. It's true. Most of them are either dead or not feeling well.
The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
Songs are funny things. They can slip across borders. Proliferate in prisons. Penetrate hard shells. I always believed that the right song at the right moment could change history.
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
I feel sure that coups d'état would go much better if there were seats, boxes, and stalls so that one could see what was happening and not miss anything.
Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters are my motivators.
I'm thankful for the talent in which God gave me and I'm thankful for the environment that he placed me.
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it.
Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can't be all that bad.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.
Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!
The rewards for being sane may not be very many, but knowing what's funny is one of them.
What is the difference between astroturf and grass? I don't know, I never smoked astroturf.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
In order to compose, all you need to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.
Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.
