The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them and pretty soon you have a dozen.

His mind was indeed my library, and whenever it was opened to me, I entered bliss.

A man ought never to trust another mans evaluation of a third mans disposition.

I hated the place (Hollywood), not the work, but the lack of privacy, those terrible prying fan magazine writers and all the surrounding exploitation.

Needing someone doesn't make you weak, it makes you feel. And feeling is how you know you're alive.

Everywhere I go, people come up to me on the street and ask me if there’s going to be another one!

I don't like gossip stories. Facts are okay. But when gossips begin making items, that's something else again.

I’m not into the whole Austrian type, strongly libertarian economics. I like more mainstream economics.

I swear I think there is nothing but immortality!

In deep sadness there is no place for sentimentality. It is as final as the mountains: a fact. There it is. When you realize it you cannot complain.