I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Come on, get up, get up, you can't just sit! But he was still crying and that had to be finished.

Sing Ho for the Life of a Bear

We begin selling ourselves on what we want to do rather than what we ought to do. We listen to ourselves until we believe our own lies, and the we opt for happiness.

Quacks pretend to cure other men's disorders, but fail to find a remedy for their own.

Music breaks my heart constantly.

Perhaps marketing is about to transition to a new kind of profession, one that requires insight, dedication and smarts.

Zen is everywhere.... But for you, Zen is right here.

The work of art which I do not make, none other will ever make.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.