Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Honey, she says, honest ain’t the half of what I’m not.

When people hold you in high esteem, it's very delicate relationship. When they meet you they're putting all their chips up. It's make or break.

My parents were great parents, but for some bizarre reason they allowed me to watch whatever I wanted on TV, we had cable. And I constantly watched horror movies.

Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?

American authors or scientists are prone to consider the wealthy businessman as a barbarian, as a man exclusively intent upon making money.

Spending waiting moments doing crossword puzzles or reading a book you brought yourself.

One who can find lemons sweet and grapes sour is ready for Dame Fortune.

Technology has come a long way since PayPal.

Courage is a gas pedal and fear is a brake; when we go to our destination, we need both!

God has created the world in play, as it were.