Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

There is no elevator to success to have to take the stairs.

A timely benefit, -though thing of little worth, The gift itself, -in excellence transcends the earth

No matter where you are involved with, your increase must have a purpose

The captain of a ship can run a great ship, but he can't do anything about the tides.

Provision as much pure and organic food as you can, and let the rest go by.

The 20th century was the century of war and blood. The 21st century is the century of dialogue.

Our rule is: If it makes the parent laugh, and the kid asks why, that can't be an uncomfortable conversation.

I think what love is changes over time, as you grow older, learn more, do more.

Christianity believes that God has created an external world that is really there; and because He is a reasonable God, one can expect to be able to find the order of the universe by reason.

Attitude isn’t everything, but it is one thing that can make a difference in your life.