MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

He who strikes terror into others is himself in continual fear.

When I can make Of ten small words a rope to hang the world! "I had you and I have you now no more.

Pride is a vice not only dreadfully mischievous in human society, but perhaps of all others, the most insuperable bar to real inward improvement.

The doubters are always more blessed than the mere fellow travelers in faith. For they are the only ones who fully learn that their Lord is stronger than any doubt and any hell of despair.

We human beings are a lot more resilient than we often realize. Resilient and perseverant.

If I am just home and writing, I become very strange.

When love's the culmination of everything you feel, then it's the only thing that's precious, it's the only thing that's real.

I think it would be harder for me not to write comedy because the comic view of things is the one that comes most naturally to me.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

I love to act and that's sort of my first love. That's what I started out doing.