Roseanne Barr Quotes

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.

I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.