Humor Quotes

Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it by use.

A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerated the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable.

There's a thin, blurry line between humor and tragedy.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I value each woman for what she has to offer whether it be charm-beauty-wit-intelligence or humor but warmth is the quality I value most.

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning...look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

If you rest, you rust.

No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.