That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Just write it, Because it is the next best thing of the world.

I don't sit down to write a funny story. Every single thing I sit down to write is meant to be sad.

I think some actors thrive on working at a much greater pace than I do.

Could I find a place to be alone with heaven, I would speak my heart out heaven is my need.

The idea of vaudeville clowns and court jesters is always to show the flaw, to point out what's not working and why it's not coherent.

I work for the public, for the people who are paying to go to the cinema, rather than for the critics.

Acquire with the intention to retain, and retain with the intention to grow.

I've been so used to being supported by musicians, and I don't class myself as a particularly adept musician on instruments. I think I'm a songwriter.

Life is lived on the inside. What's outside doesn't matter.

'Tis better to bear the ills we have than fly to others that we know not of.