I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Nature is the supreme cradle of life, and must be protected and treated with the highest respect and care.

The sense that someone else cares always helps because it is the sense of love.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

Nature does not deceive or conceal, but reveals.

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

The worst, the least curable hatred is that which has superseded deep love.

Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.

I've finally graduated from 'I don't give a hoot.

It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors.

I hope people start to look at their lives as the most powerful, creative act they will ever offer this world.