I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Where's your sense of adventure?It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn

All children are born to grow, to develop, to live, to love, and to articulate their needs and feelings for their self-protection.

God primes the pump of obligation.

When I'm hiring, I don't look for credentials, I look for knowledge.

I'm excited about Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. It's the feast of a thousand senses, so just eat, eat, eat, eat.

The content of the ideal is a desire to return to the perfection of an imaginary past.

Look, demanding somebody do anything in this day and age is not going to fly.

Music and art is about ideas, I think. Especially music. You have the freedom to work with your ideas and your dreams and your fantasies, which is quite hard to do in many other places.

Energy never dies. It just transforms.

People learn more from observation that they do from conversation.