Humor Quotes

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I guess God has a sense of humor, when he had a man that wanted to start his life as a priest, end up marrying a preacher.

On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.

Blameless people are always the most exasperating.

I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?

It was the short men that caused all the trouble in the world.

He looked the boy up and down as if he had never seen a child before and wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do with one: eat it, ignore it or kick it down the stairs.

All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

You don't have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

Sometimes, there is no harm in putting off a piece of work until another day.

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

Diazapam (that's valium), temazepam, lithium, ECT, HRT - how long must I stay on this stuff? Don't give me anymore!

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

We all make mistakes, but intelligence enables us to do it on purpose.

I don’t mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings.

We're going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross?

At the last parent visitation night I'd sorta accidentally watched a majorly nightmarish scene between Aphrodite and her parents. Her dad's the mayor of Tulsa. Her mom might be Satan.

In the English language, it all comes down to this: Twenty-six letters, when combined correctly, can create magic. Twenty -six letters form the foundation of a free, informed society.

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective.

Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.

People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.