Humor Quotes

If I didn't have a sense of humor, how could I stand this trial now?

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.

Good humor and laughter are far too wonderful not to come straight from the heart of God.

Humor is the mask of wisdom.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

What's another word for thesaurus?

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.

Seriousness is a sickness; your sense of humor makes you more human, more humble. The sense of humor - according to me - is one of the most essential parts of religiousness.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

A girl has to have a beautiful smile, Beautiful eyes and she should have a good sense of humor. She should be Honost, loving and trustworthy.

The reason we want to go on and on is because we live in an impoverished present.

Being patted is what it is all about.

Yes, about ten minutes.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.

Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

I suppose that in no educational institution can one become an educated person.

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.

Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.