What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

The worst to ever happen to a person who aims at the sky is to fall on the tallest mountain

The method of the enterprising is to plan with audacity and execute with vigor.

What you fail to understand is the power of hate. It can fill the heart as surely as love can.

He that's ungrateful has no guilt but one; All other crimes may pass for virtues in him.

I do not go to the gym. I do not train. I am not that careful about what I eat. I cannot give you any advice about keeping fit. The best advice I can give is choose your parents wisely.

Even a broken clock gets it right occasionally.

Love is having endless support from my husband and the hugs and kisses from my kids.

A decrepit society shuns humor as a decrepit individual shuns drafts.

Cowardice is the greatest sin.

One of the greatest dangers is secular religion - state worship.