Humor Quotes

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

Islam expect every Muslim to do this duty, and if we realise our responsibility time will come soon when we shall justify ourselves worthy of a glorious past.

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.

To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living.

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.

Wit and humor belong to genius alone.

I feel much freer now that I am certain the pope is the Antichrist.

Humor is about perspective, and hanging out with people who see life through a similar lens is so important.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

My friends, there are no friends.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

I do not know if all cops are poets, but I know that all cops carry guns with triggers.

When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred.

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

Nothing is stronger than habit.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'