I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I must not expect everyone to act or think like I do as God has created each of us differently.

I got tired of people complaining that it was too hard to use UNIX because the editor was too complicated.

Puddleglum's my name. But it doesn't matter if you forget it. I can always tell you again.

It is the function of a liberal university not to give right answers, but to ask right questions.

It frequently happens that I begin a novel with just a visual image of something, a vague sense of people in three dimensional space.

Marriage: that I call the will of two to create the one who is more than those who created it.

Civilization has developed executive powers far beyond its understanding.

...I feel as though I made a face and the wind changed, and now I have to go through life grimacing in this horrible way.

Wine is not discovered but made: it is an artifact that can be appraised that can be appraised aesthetically

The techniques of the theater are the techniques of communicating.