There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I like a highland friend who will stand by me not only when I am in the right but when I am a little in the wrong.

You have but a short time to live in this world. As you age, you will experience the pains of aging. If your hopes and joys rest upon the body, then you will suffer greatly.

Create a website that expresses something about who you are that won't fit into the template available to you on a social networking site.

It's important to write like your readers are brilliant.

There is nothing cooler than having lines like, 'Batman, the fate of the world is upon us.' Who gets to say that? And who gets to say that in a deep, earnest, amazingly sexy way?

The groups of which we are a part impact our decisions and our decisions shape the future.

In order to win, you must expect to win.

For where I found Truth, there found I my God, the Truth itself; which since I learnt, I have not forgotten.

I strive to be professional and to push myself always to do a better job.

Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none. This above all: to thine own self be true. No legacy is so rich as honesty. Brevity is the soul of wit