I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Suddenly, like a thing falling upon me from without, came fear.

Saving people, hunting things, the family business.

I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

It is quite amazing what I didn't feel after a while. I didn't really want to feel things.

An America that inspires hope in its ideals must complement an America that inspires awe in its strength.

Innocents, the meat in a ghastly sandwich between an uncaring society and a vengeful state.

Each murder is one too many.

I think we will see better vaccines within the next 15 years, but I'm not a scientist and am focused on the short-term - what will happen in the interim.

I was a stand-up comedian for 10 years, if you can believe it. And I gave it up at age 22.

It's hard to give advice. There are so many people, how do you give major advice to a group of people, it's very presumptuous.