Funny Quotes

This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong, somebody's heart is broken, and it becomes your favorite song.

In a moment, we hope to see the pole vault over the satellite.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

Once you let go of your morals, everything becomes funny

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!? Special cows they grow in Virginia with voice boxes in their necks. "Moo"

I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, OK!

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

Especially with comedy, you take massive risks because ultimately you're trying to be funny. If you're not funny, then it's really embarrassing and you look stupid.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Sweet cream on an ice cream sandwich!

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls.

I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's also relentlessly positive.

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

Funny, nothing ever happens nowadays.

About mistakes it's funny. You got to make your own; and not only that, if you try to keep people from making theirs they get mad.

You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny.

Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.

I really love 'Soapdish.' I wish 'Soapdish' had more of a moment because I felt that that is a really strong, funny movie. Kevin Kline is hilarious in that movie.

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

Judges don't age. Time decorates them.

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!!

My mom's passionate and energetic and very funny and enthusiastic.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Thirty, thirty-five, forty, all had come to visit her like admonitory relatives, and all had slipped away without a trace, without a sound, and now, once again, she was waiting.

This may sound funny, but I feel my most beautiful when I'm clean, fresh out of the bath. I don't have to be dressed up. I could be in comfy clothes at home hanging out with my family.

It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.

Questions are creative acts of intelligence.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today and it will set the pace tomorrow.

I don't think of myself as being funny. But life takes strange turns.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I want to be known as a funny comic not just a funny Latino comic. I want to be able to go everywhere and anywhere.