I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

He opened his mouth, but stopped as he beheld her smile. Though she had no regrets about her choice, she felt something strangely like disappointment when he said, "As you wish.

I, for one, would think both about how far we have come as a country and how much further we need to go to erase racism and discrimination from our society.

I've been nominated for 12 Emmys, and we won - for 'Top Chef' - the only time I didn't go.

His wedding gift, clasped round my throat. A choker of rubies, two inches wide, like an extraordinarily precious slit throat.

I feel like schizoid is a precursor to schizophrenia or manic depression. I feel like I'm manic. I have parts of schizoid, parts of Asperger's. I'm a smorgasbord of neuroses.

You know, my friends, there comes a time when people get tired of being trampled over by the iron feet of oppression.

Anything sweet, really sweet, that I have was nothing that I planned.

He who is permitted by law to have no property of his own, can with difficulty conceive that property is founded in anything but force.

I know a lot of people that don't pray or anything, and that's fine - but I need to. I don't even want to call it prayer, I just want to call it talking to something bigger than me.