A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope...I have loved none but you.

the night of trouble is at times so dark that the interwoven gold with which Providence relieves the woof of calamity remains undiscovered.

A People Magazine article in 1982 referred to him as the late Abe Vigoda. The very-much-alive Vigoda placed an ad in Variety with him in a coffin holding a copy of People Magazine.

I have always been a night person. When the sun goes down, my spirits rise. I'm more alert, quicker, more in tune with the rhythms of the world.

If you don't feel well, tell your doctor, but not the marketplace.

Decades later I would look into my father's eyes and try to reach past the murkiness of Alzheimer's with my words, my apology, hoping that in his heart he heard me and understood.

I'm just stayin' humble, and true. It's good right now baby - staying' true baby.

If we replaced all of our guns with chicken sandwiches it would end all war immediately.

Truth is a fruit that can only be picked when it is very ripe.