Funny Quotes

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.

Mike Topp is a disablingly funny writer--a miniaturist of nervous precisions, our supreme abridger of metropolitan startlement and inner fidgetry. He dazes and graces us.

For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy.

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

Always do whatever's next.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

A friend you have to buy won't be worth what you pay for him.

Clever is the eunuch version of funny.

People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth.

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

It's your money. You paid for it.

I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans.

Journalists belong in the gutter because that is where the ruling classes throw their guilty secrets.

My first wife didn't like to fly, either.

When asked by someone how much money flying takes: Why, all of it!

I always say to people if you want to see what Britain looks like, watch Gogglebox. It's brilliant and funny and warm and clever.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.

The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren't like normal things for a 13-year old girl!

The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'.

Some blogs have become the best check on monopoly mainstream journalism, and they provide a surprisingly frequent source of initiative reporting.

I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?

Some things just couldn't be protected from the storm. Some things simply needed to be broken off...Once the old things were broken off, amazingly beautiful things grow in their place.

I could take Sean Connery in a fight... I could definitely take him.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.

There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature.

He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.

My mental hands were empty, and I felt I must do something as a counterirritant or antibody to my hysterical alarm at getting married at the age of 43.

Playing in Italy was like being in a foreign country.

What good is the Moon? You can't buy it or sell it.

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

If you can't be smart or funny, be brief.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

We're too busy busting whorehouses or solving murders. That's what makes the show so funny

When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.

Never underestimate the power of funny, it moves mountains.

Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.