There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

A society living by the laws of the world is moving towards a global crisis in all spheres of life

The Americans won't win. They're not fighting for their homeland. They just want to be good. In order to be good, they just have to fight awhile and then leave.

From the first moment of independence, the United States has been dedicated to innovation as a way of government and a way of life.

People love fashion exhibits because they can fantasize. They can respond to a dress even if they can never wear a dress like that.

We must prevent a criminal understanding between the Fascist aggressors and the British and French imperialist clique.

Like I always say, it's a team effort. A lot of behind the scenes work goes in when we're at home.

Some of us have the good fortune of some type of natural gift, whether it's playing tennis or painting or writing.

Innovation means saying 'no' to a thousand things.

Rest is a fine medicine. Let your stomachs rest, ye dyspeptics; let your brain rest, you wearied and worried people of business; let your limbs rest, ye children of toil!

For me, speed isn't anything I ever practiced. It's all in the genes. Plus, my mom gave me a lot of vitamins when I was small.