My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

Vampires have credit cards?""We're undead, not Amish.

Great men know how to control two things

Everyday is a good day, even when things are hard because we are still here, still fighting to live among the latter.

No one should drive a hard bargain with an artist.

Thankfully, President Obama has stood firmly behind women's health care issues by supporting coverage for contraception and reaffirming commitment to organizations like Planned Parenthood.

Sometimes when you're relegated to your neighborhood, you forget that there's more important things than your neighborhood going on out in the world.

Adolescence and early youth...the fires are burning fastest, right? And your energy level is highest. It demands...and rock is screaming type music.

Though defensive violence will always be 'a sad necessity' in the eyes of men of principle, it would be still more unfortunate if wrongdoers should dominate just men.

I should have known right then it was too good to last, God, it's such a drag when you're livin' in the past