If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

To my shame, I had never thought to ask anything of the future, and yet woke each and every day embittered because it was never what I needed it to be.

I knew you'd kiss me.""How?" I say. Because I didn't know myself. "Because I am in pain, " He say's. "That's the only way I get your attention.

Each new day offers the chance to start afresh, to achieve those things you most desires.

I don't have spare time.

I was twenty-nine years old and I wasn't a very good poet and I wasn't a very good novelist, [so] I thought I would try writing a play, which seems to have worked out a little better.

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

The main reason I did 'Captain America' was because I wanted to get out of my own head and stop taking my work so seriously.

Panic was the worst thing. When you panicked, you couldn't see possibilities. Then came despair.

The only alternative to coexistence is codestruction.

No person is so grand or wise or perfect as to be the master of another person. Teacher, perhaps. Setter of good example, perhaps. Genius, perhaps. But master, no.