I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Make peace with your past so you don't mess up the present!

...ordinary experience has to be made extraordinary in order to become accessible to reflection.

You could refer to me as god and the odd curtsey wouldn’t go a miss either

It’s a long story. I’ll make it short as I can.

This may be invading her privacy but I was Death, dammit. I should get some privileges

When you become a parent, it's not all about you anymore.

perhaps because this time not fear but love made him read.

I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.

Women are incredibly intuitive. If anybody on the planet is going to evolve to the next level, that telekinetic thing, women will.

Early on, it's good to develop the ability to write. Learning to write is a useful exercise, even if what you're writing about is not that relevant.