You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

If you follow a foolish ism, how are you an intelligent being?

Every moment is utterly unique and will not be continued in eternity. This fact gives life its poignancy and should concentrate your attention on what you are experiencing now.

Almost the first thing I did when I became ill was to buy a truly good television set.

All perception is colored by emotion.

A sense of duty imprisons you.

Apologies aren't something you want to get in the habit of practicing in the mirror

You cannot create a thing-not a thought, an object, an event-no experience of any kind-which is outside of God's plan. For God's plan is for you to create anything-everything-whatever you want.

The youth are the catalysts for real change.

A toxic person kills, and by kills I mean totally destroys teamwork.