Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When you're locked up in here for life, you learn to welcome the little freedoms.

Here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed.

There will always be rough days and easy ones. Like a ship, we must sail through both.

After you make a fool of yourself a few hundred times, you learn what works.

Tom Hanks is a huge superstar. And people tell me he's a very nice guy, not arrogant, not an entitlement guy. But very quietly, Mr. Hanks has become a left-wing power player in Hollywood.

I've got so many musical personalities, I could probably get treatment for it.

I'm so busy trying to be other people. You start acting just as soon as you walk into the door of that casting office. You can't just be yourself because they don't want to hire you.

She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.

The child’s parents are not his makers but his guardians.

Then it was like a genie out of the bottle and it began to walk all on its own and in directions I did not want.