I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.

You expect me to come and work for you dressed up as a man?” I gasped.

Men always want to be remembered whereas women realize that requires being dead.

Nothing is more difficult than competing with a myth

Yes," he said. "You were strong. You were brave. You were good. You mattered.

If we are going to worship in Spirit, we must develop a spirit of worship.

Are you seeing anyone romantically?" he inquired. "No, I'm not," she replied. "Good. Please keep it that way. Because I intend to ask you to marry me.

People don't believe this, but Hollywood really is a meritocracy.

You forgot my first lesson: don't hesitate.

It is the nobility of their style which will make our writers of 1840 unreadable forty years from now.